SARAH VINE: If I were Boris Johnson’s wife, I’d watch my back

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Boris Johnson is many things, but he’s not stupid. He knows Partygate has cost him dear and he’s not out of the woods yet.

He has to get serious if he wants a chance of rescuing his premiership, and he has to do so fast. He has to show the public — and his own MPs — that the jovial, blustering, chancer of old is gone (or at least locked in a back bedroom).

Preparing to leave for Ukraine, he told MPs: ‘I want the lot out — all of this toxic vomit ejected.’ He’s setting up a new Prime Ministerial office, and that infamous drinks fridge is no more. The music’s off, the lights are on, the taxis are waiting.

Perhaps the strongest indicator of this new direction is the re-appointment of Sir Lynton Crosby, who will be advising on the running of Downing Street.

Having been at several parties over the years where Sir Lynton has been in attendance, I can tell you: Fun he ain’t.

The man is a human hangover. And not just a mild headache and craving for a fry-up type — he’s a full-blown Jägerbomb thumper.

He is a master of the dark arts, and bringing him back shows Boris means business. If I were Dominic Cummings, I’d be worried.

If I were Carrie, I’d also watch my back. Because Lynton doesn’t do other halves. He is not a kisser of babies, and has zero interest in his clients’ private lives. He’s there to do a job, and do it he will — regardless of who gets in the way.

He will take a cold, hard look at Carrie and will conclude — fairly or unfairly — that she is the Prime Minister’s weakness. That Boris loves her and can’t say no to her.

That she is a beautiful, vivacious young woman who loves dancing to ABBA; who wants Boris to spend time with her and their children; who likes to spend money on holidays and home furnishings.

A woman who — because she is 24 years younger than Boris — is full of enthusiasm for the sort of things old boomers like Crosby find tiresome: the environment, animal welfare, mental health.

If there’s one thing Crosby can’t abide it’s ministers or MPs with ‘pet projects’, and Carrie has many of those. He also hates what he calls ‘freelancing’, by which he means anyone who tries to build a powerbase beyond that of the leader. I doubt whether he’ll have much time for the so-called ‘court of Carrie’.

I also have no doubt that Lynton can sort things out for Boris. The question is: at what cost?

Sooner or later, Boris is going to face an unenviable choice. Which is more important: his personal happiness and that of his family — or his career, his public standing, his legacy?

Despite his manifest personal failings, Boris has done so much that is impressive. He ran London, a Left-leaning city, as Conservative mayor, for two consecutive terms (thanks in large part to the campaigning talents of one Lynton Crosby).

He pushed through Brexit, swung an 80-seat majority, fronted a world-beating vaccine rollout and led us out of lockdown while half the world was still hiding under the stairs.

By rights, he ought to be riding high. But he’s not. And it’s not because of political weaknesses; it’s because of personal ones.

Lack of judgment, indulgence (of himself and others), corner-cutting, a lack of discipline in his private affairs: these are the things that are obscuring his victories.

These are the areas that Lynton will get to work on. As Cummings once said, a hard rain is coming. God help them all.

By refusing to quit, has Boris Johnson inadvertently become the country’s most famous Remainer?

Love the belly, hate the coat!

I don’t quite know what to make of Rihanna’s baby bump pictures.

Part of me thinks she looks ridiculous, standing there in temperatures of minus 2c, dripping in bling with her belly sticking out; part of me thinks, if you can carry it off, why not?

I’m assuming her £5,000 Chanel pink puffer coat means it’s a girl. 

What other justification could there be for such a hideous item of clothing?

For the first time in my life, I went to the dentist and there was nothing wrong with my teeth. Nothing. No excruciating root canal needed, no suppurating abscess, no bleeding gums.

And I’m convinced it’s because I’ve been taping my mouth shut at night in a bid to stop my snoring. Sleeping with an open mouth dries out the tissues and gums and, as well as making you snore, allows bacteria to flourish which, in turn, causes tooth decay.

Mouth taping prevents all that. There’s just one drawback: I look like something out of The Silence Of The Lambs. Worth it, though.

Here are my pronouns 

In the latest example of woke creep, the British Library has spent £1,300 issuing staff with gender pronoun badges.

You know: ‘he/him’, ‘she/her’, ‘they/them’ and so on (apparently there are up to 78 options). These days, whenever I’m asked what my preferred pronouns are, I just smile sweetly and say: ‘B*tch/witch.’ That usually annoys all the right people.

Immune to Fox claptrap 

Rejoice! Anti-vaxxer Laurence Fox says he’s feeling a little better after testing positive for Covid. Earlier this week, the actor posted a picture of himself in a T-shirt bearing the slogan ‘No vaccine needed/ I have an immune system’.

Indeed you do, Laurence. But the whole point of the vaccine is to protect people who don’t have an immune system that’s capable of fighting off Covid: the old and the infirm, or those with other conditions that affect their body’s ability to mount a defence.

And it’s because of conspiracy theory narcissists such as yourself that far too many have either lost their lives or are languishing in hospital on ventilators.

So yes, Mr Fox, you do have an immune system. The question is, does it come with a brain?

Listening to Keir Starmer’s response to the Prime Minister’s statement on Monday, I finally realised who he sounds like: Bungle, from the 1970s TV show Rainbow. Same nasal whine, same sanctimonious tone — and the same patronising delivery, as though he is addressing a roomful of pre-schoolers.

What is it about corsets? You can barely move for celebrities bursting out of them, and they’ve become so popular even places such as Urban Outfitters and Primark are selling them.

How odd that, in this #MeToo, body positivity age, women should be so keen to get back into a garment that for centuries kept us trussed up for the benefit of the male gaze.

Sometimes we really are our own worst enemies.

Those pictures of Ukrainian citizens practising drills with wooden rifles are heartbreaking.

They remind me of the Chinese students who faced the tanks in Tiananmen Square back in 1989: a brave but ultimately futile attempt to hold back the might of a despotic regime which crushes anyone in its path. Three decades on, and the world has learned nothing.

Divorce is easier on women than it is on men? Really? Or could it be that some fellows are just giant man-babies who can’t cope without a full-time, unpaid cook, cleaner, nanny, shrink and maid. I couldn’t possibly say, of course.

A study in America has found that women who earn more than their husbands typically fake orgasms to boost their partner’s ego. Possibly. Or maybe they’re just keen to tick the final business of the day off their list as quickly as possible so that they can get some well-earned rest.

Jabs U-turn is real scandal

What I just can’t understand about this ‘no jab, no job’ Government U-turn is that surely they must have realised the policy would cause staff shortages when they first announced it last July?

Either they didn’t, which is worrying, or they did — and failed to do anything about it. Which is even more worrying.

Meanwhile, the whole argument about patient safety and the importance of the vaccine has been fatally undermined. Forget parties — this is the real scandal.

The cost of childcare is now almost the same as the average woman’s salary in Britain: £12.52 an hour vs £12.93. No wonder birth rates are in free fall.